Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
