At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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