when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We were destined to go to rehab together
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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