I wish I could teleport
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Holy sore nipples Batman
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
