Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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