Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
True strength comes from lack of pants
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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