from now on my penis is your penis
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
