i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
a search helicopter?!
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
