My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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