I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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