saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
