Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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