I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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