I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
