Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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