first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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