yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
