Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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