I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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