Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
