I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
