it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
