He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
