I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
