im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
