I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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