I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
