Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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