remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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