wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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