I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
you had me at cake vodka
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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