just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
whose ass print is on the piano?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
