I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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