I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Randomize
