I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
