The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
