i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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