y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Don't make out with my wife yet
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
