Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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