Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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