Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
