She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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