Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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