Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize