I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
