Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he fucked my hip out of place.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
