If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the day after is always just damage control
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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