I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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