I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
