If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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