last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
