She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
