I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Randomize
