Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
