Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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