tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
