I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
