Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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