Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
