I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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