nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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