You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
