I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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