one two three fourrrrnication!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
